Superpowers

Unspoken feelings

2012-02-18T22:20:00.001+08:00

One of the worst feelings in the world is when everything that happens is the direct opposite of what you've expected. Tried so hard to hold back those emotions but it was too hard. Way too hard.

Going to board tomorrow but I haven't packed a single thing. Still doing my chem tutorial and feeling lost because chem hates me like that. Life has been far from exciting. Well that's untrue to a large extent but currently it is the case. Starting to realise that I actually have a lot of work to do. Lately there has been too many changes which keeps things alive, but difficult. Really need a pattern to start forming soon.

How do you explain this hurt that I feel deep within me?

A Valentine's day to remember

2012-02-14T22:40:00.001+08:00

This will probably be my most memorable Valentine's day ever. Walked into a pillar after dance and now I have a bump on my forehead, and it's the size of a 50 cent coin :'( Plus it was soooo embarrassing. Just finished rubbing it with a hard boiled egg (which I ate after because I couldn't stand the temptation to) and it's a patch of red now :( :( :( Sobz why must this happen to me

Also saw an unconscious motorcyclist lying on the road on my way home... From far I could only see a pair of legs and blood and once I realised it was a body, I had to turn my head away. Was already feeling giddy from walking into the pillar and sitting by the window on the bus didn't make anything better. Life is so unpredictable. We should really make the best out of everything we have now!

That being said, I shall eat more chocolates so I will be happy for the rest of my life :) And I shall tell all the people I love that I love them more often so I won't regret anything :)

A big thank you to everyone who gave me chocolates/cards today :) Especially Adrienne! So happy she's boarding with us ^^ Oh and Happy Valentine's Day to everyone out there!

Black and white

2012-02-13T21:43:00.000+08:00

Is it bad that I remember dates a little too well? I think so sometimes... I really ought to forget things that I'm not supposed to remember, things that aren't important to me anymore. It's just so hard to when I have such a good memory sobz.

Buying presents for people who matter is such a joyous thing to do but today it became rather stressful for me :(

Mummy bought me a black/whiteboard and I'm going to write inspirational quotes on it (with chalk!!! Cool right) to motivate myself to keep going. It's hard these days but I really hope I will pull through! I kinda think this is what I've always wanted :) Shall hope for the best ^^

I have a 3.5 hours break tomorrow, and it's the only reason why I dislike my current timetable :/

How do I get rid of this empty feeling?

2012-02-09T21:21:00.004+08:00

Credits to Sheena :)

CCA carnival was really fun this year :) Performed twice and although it wasn't perfect, I think we all have tried our best! All the rushing in the process really taught me a lot of things. I think I became more mature over the past two years... I've learnt to think about how other people feel, and I try my best to act accordingly. But why is it getting harder and harder to be nice to people? Losing my patience with some people and I really don't want to lose my cool but it's so hard when they just don't appreciate my efforts :(

I turn away and I tell myself to smile, because nothing in this world is worth a frown

Currently having a fever and looking at my two swollen toes scares me a little. Used to the forth toe on my right foot swelling up whenever I fall on it but I don't think the same has happened to the forth toe on my left foot before... There's like a whole patch of blue and black T_T And yeah I need to stop eating chocolates!! I really don't want attend dance party while sick, that will be the suckiest thing everrrr. Plus this is already the 986543212345th time that I'm sick this year... Always sick before important events :(

OKAY GOTTA GO DO A BIT OF MATH. Haven't been doing work because everything is taking up all my time. Yet when I think about it, I seem to have done nothing. Ugh okay I shall get outta here, till next time!

To you: this is for you! Be honoured please :)

Nothing feels real when you're not around

2012-02-05T20:51:00.000+08:00

This week's been pretty hectic, and orientation is okay so far. Made new friends and felt like a senior hehehehe. It's a weird feeling, knowing that the mainstream students are new to the school and yet are of the same age as us. It's like a subconscious label I guess :/ Also met an unfriendly bunch of people this week and it really upset me... But oh well I shall not assume that the rest of them are the same :)

Chinese New Year is coming to an end, so... I shall finally upload some photos hehe

@ Rachel's house with her sisters

With Huixin and Xunlin

@ Home with Valerie, Huixin and Rachel K

Had a great time catching up with the girls :) Haven't seen them in ages! Of course that doesn't include Rachel, I see her almost everyday hahaha

Also went to Bukit Batok CC to perform for their CNY thingy on Friday night, it was a great experience! Tried frolick for the first time afterwards and it was yummyyyyy. Did I mention that I put on weight T_T Thought I wouldn't because my excessive eating would have been cancelled out by all the dance practices but seems like it isn't the case :(

Don't think anyone noticed but I went to Malaysia yesterday and only came back this afternoon. The place we stayed at was sooooooo cool, it made me wish I was rich so I can stay in a big house like that :( And the view from our bedroom was sooooooo pretty too, especially since all the walls were made up of windows. I woke up this morning and was like wow

If I could be granted anything, I want time to pass more quickly :( It's been a week and so far it sucks :( It does help me concentrate on my work though, but not for long because my mind trails off in the middle and I become sad again :( I'm too impatient to wait this long... But I will :)

Can't decide if I look forward to boarding or not.
Need to start brainstorming so I can get my brother a present he likes!

Am I happy?

2012-01-29T12:00:00.001+08:00

Growing up has a huge impact on all of us; we become less expressive of our ideas, more emotional, less naive and a little more despicable when trying to achieve something. We become less optimistic, and forget that happy endings sometimes exist. We become less happy, and more sad.

I don't want that. This year my new year resolution is to always be myself, regardless of what is thrown my way. Walls are meant to be climbed, obstacles are meant to make us all stronger.

But when we have to, we still gotta give some things up.

[Edit]: Just wanna let you guys know that I am happy. Very happy. Over the moon. :D. So stop telling me that my blog is so emotional and everything because I am happy kkkkkk. I have so much in my life and I ought to be contented about it. I went to Cambodia and saw how little the people there had but how happy they were. It had such a deep impact on me. I'm going to treasure what I am given and I'll always be happy :)

And you prolly won't read this anytime soon, but thank you for the smile that you put on my face :)

Gotta learn to let go

2012-01-27T17:39:00.003+08:00

I had a bad day today.
But tomorrow's gonna be better :)
ijustwishyouwouldappreciatewhatidoforyousometimes

Take control

2012-01-25T21:34:00.000+08:00

Felt so tired today. The realisation that we've moved on to SH has finally sunken in and I don't like it one bit. It sure is fun to walk around from classroom to classroom but sometimes I feel so lost... But then again, 23 more months to freedom :D I think counting down makes time pass more quickly!

Starting to have second thoughts again. It's just so hard to put everything into words but yeah, it's hard to make a choice when my heart tells me to do something but my head tells me to do something else. Sometimes I just want to take the easy way out but that's not always the right move and I don't want to regret doing anything... Or not doing something :( Not like people are making it easier for me. Hmph.

I am such a deep person.
I need to learn to focus on my homework.

Genuinity: A different experience

2012-01-22T12:46:00.000+08:00

It all started when I woke up 50 minutes late on the first morning... Which led to me being almost half an hour late when I reached the airport. I was so scared that I would be scolded but Mr Low said something along the lines of "as long as you're here safely, it's okay" and it was like awwww

This trip was a huge eye-opener for me, and I've taken away so many things that I'll never be able to learn from organising a thousand children camps in Singapore. The people in Cambodia were so welcoming, innocent and genuine in everything they did, that it really touched the bottom of my heart. Also made a lot of new friends, both NJCians and the Cambodians!

Really thankful for the three of them :) Had a group hug after the whole thing ended, and I could tell that we were all very happy that our plans went well!

Photos credits to Luoyang, Megan and Melanie!

Really miss everything that happened in Cambodia :( A lot of cool things also happened, like random blackouts, late night parties, a fire in the shopping mall which everyone evacuated, playing with a helium balloon, scandals (which I'm not involved in :D), and all the hugs before we left... Awwww miss them so much :(

I feel like I made a difference :)

Ending this post with a photo of the sunset which we saw on our way back from Oudong High School on the first day :) My new dream is to own a house by the countryside! So peaceful and pretty over there

Happy Chinese New Year Eve!

Tension

2012-01-19T20:50:00.003+08:00

Hiiiii I'm back from Phnom Penh, Cambodia and it was a really great trip :) However much I'd like to tell you guys ~~all the embarrassing things that happened to me~~ about the trip, I'm realllly tired now and I haven't had my nap since I was back so... TILL THE PICTURES ARE UP, SEEYA

Parallel Universe

2012-01-11T20:34:00.000+08:00

I wanted to blog on the last day of my holidays (which already seem so far away), I wanted to blog on the first day of school, and when that failed, the second, and now it's the third and I finally have some time to even switch on my laptop. So hiiiii, Szeying is currently stressed out and sick. In fact, I just figured out that the reason why I fell sick the day before school started might just be all these stress. I keep telling myself that it's gonna be worth it in the end but I can't help but feel that I need a breather. I need to walk away and have some time for myself.

And you know what I learnt from all this? I learnt the importance of appreciation, and how people almost never exercise it. At the end of the day people thank you for your effort and things like that, but what about during the process? I'm really upset about this and I guess it's not appropriate for me to talk about it here, but yeah I've been trying so hard and all I need is just some understanding. I mean, if you signed up for this, you should have been prepared for it, right? It doesn't even make sense that this is happening right now.

Yeahhhh I probably sound like some cranky person now, and literally I do too because I lost my voice for the first time in my life and it's actually pretty cool to listen to myself sometimes. Hope everything gets better with time because so far, 2012 really sucks. Only 11 days and I've realised that I've trusted you too much. Way too much than you deserve. Which leads me to my new year resolution, to stop trusting people so easily. Or rather to learn to keep things to myself because I seem to be incapable of that :(

HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK. Till next time!

Does being me cost me you?

2012-01-05T15:01:00.000+08:00

So tired of all these guessing and second-guessing. Maybe it's time to give it a break... Or maybe it's time to give myself a break. I've grown to learn that my sixth sense is pretty accurate and it's not exactly the best thing either. How many more times must I suffer this disappointment? How many more times must I feel this sinking feeling? I was stupid once and I let myself be stupid a second time and now I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't even understand what I'm doing anymore. I've lost my purposes and aims and it just sucks. It sucks to feel this way.

'There's no "happily ever after" here. Am I giving it away? I don't think I am. I believe that all beginnings contain the end hidden in them. You can try to ignore it, but it's there. The sadness is always tucked away within the happiness.' - Through the Heart by Kate Somebody

You're giving it away. Pft.

--

You're like the sun :)

Sometimes the most unexpected things are the best surprises

2012-01-02T23:35:00.000+08:00

Taiwan was really fun except we couldn't find Showluo's shop and I was so disappointed because I couldn't fangirl and take a photo outside his shop :( Oh wellll. Not going to go into details but basically I think the tourist attractions that we went to (minus the museum since museums are generally boring) were really cool and all the night markets were love~ Bought so many things and tried so much food hehe shopping and food makes me a happy girl :)

Best night market that we went to! So many cheap clothes and sister and I also bought matching school bags :) Funny story though, I bought my bag thinking it was a nice shade of rose pink, but when we got back to our residence we realised that the tag says orange... So I started looking at it every now and then and every time I do, it seems to be a different colour! To prove my point, it currently looks red -__-

One of my favourite places :) So fairytaleish! Makes me wanna live in a wooden house with cute mail boxes in a pretty garden or something. So dreamy~

Bumped into the same guy whose restaurant we ate in on our first day at Taizhong and he and his wife owns this shop!!! Super pink and pretty omg I told my mum that I want to have one of these shops one day :')

Yehliu was so pretty and my little brother loved it so much that he went so high! Mummy skidded a pebble across the water and it was just soooo cool. In fact skidding a pebble is in my list of things to do before I die :D

Ximending!!!! My dad didn't plan to go there at first but I kept whining and Keelung night market was pretty boring so we went there in the end :D Well my sister said my constant whining was probably why we got to go to Taiwan in the first place so... Credits to me! Hoorah

On New Year's Eve! The trip was really rushed so we had to stay in some student hostel while in Taipei, but surprisingly we could see fireworks from our room when it turned 12. A little upset that we didn't catch the Countdown live or on TV in Taiwan but at least we saw fireworks! And at least we spent the last few hours of 2011 shopping at my second favourite night market :D

I love Taiwan so so much ^^ Definitely have to go back in spring/summer so we can see all the pretty flowers at Yangmingshan and get summer clothes while shopping!

2011 Holiday Nails

2012-01-01T17:48:00.000+08:00

Because I just took off my Sanrio nails and am extremely sad about it and because I've always wanted to do a post like this...

Well it's kind of obvious when I was feeling lazy and when I had absolutely nothing to do. Anyway HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS and hope you're enjoying your first day of 2012 thus far! I just landed in Singapore a few hours ago and last night I only had about 3 hours of sleep so I'm feeling really tired... BUT TAIWAN WAS FUN. REALLY FUN. Going to blog about it after I get my sleep x

Still trying to figure out what colour my new school bag is because the colour seems to change every time I look at it...

100 things that make me happy

2011-12-26T21:13:00.001+08:00

1. Ice cream
2. Chocolates
3. Late night conversations
4. Roses
5. Good morning texts
6. Feeling needed
7. Photographs and polaroids
8. Group photos
9. Secret ^^
10. Pink and furry stuff
11. Hugging a pillow
12. "I love you"
13. Singing aloud
14. Being loved
15. Pizza
16. Making lists
17. Awards
18. Blogging
19. Pretty food that tastes as good as it looks
20. Successfully solving a Math sum
21. Seeing that my loved ones are happy
22. ~~Smurfs' Village~~ Playing with my brothers
23. Shopping with my sister
24. Shopping in general
25. Putting ticks next to tasks
26. Wearing new outfits
27. Sincere friends
28. Birthday surprises
29. KFC
30. Cheese
31. Reblog spree on Tumblr
32. When my tumblr blog looks pretty
33. Good music on my playlist
34. An essay with perfect and neat handwriting
35. The sounds made when I type on the keyboard
36. Piano pieces (that I can appreciate)
37. Tweeting
38. Being told that I am important
39. The days when I feel mummy's love
40. The days when I can have decent conversations with dad
41. Having nothing to worry about
42. PLANE FOOD
43. Anything that is sweet and touches me
44. '♥'
45. Getting my allowance
46. Bubbletea and Waffles
47. Xtra large Nutella bottles
48. Thoughtful presents
49. Kisses and hugs
50. Nice people
51. Cycling
52. Foolscap paper
53. Markers
54. Pretty painted nails that don't chip easily
55. Drinking water when I'm feeling thirsty
56. DIY stuff
57. Feeling useful
58. Drinking from a bottle/my Mr Bean glass
59. Duck meat
60. When my dad orders duck meat cuz he knows I love it
61. When my mum pays for my shopping
62. Successfully persuading people to do something
63. New text messages!
64. Making wishes
65. Punching on my calculator
66. Good grades
67. Hanging out with a good photographer
68. "Szeying, you grew taller!"
69. Getting presents for my loved ones
70. Good movies
71. Good movies that make me cry
72. Sweet popcorn!!!
73. Good hair days
74. When I get what I've been waiting for
75. Photographs of burgers with lots of cheese
76. Donating money and ~~getting stickers~~ knowing that I've helped someone
77. Earning my own allowance
78. Talking to someone who has endless topics to talk about
79. Doing funky dances around the house when no one's at home
80. Receiving mail
81. Witty answers
82. Rhymes
83. How I Met Your Mother
84. Sleeping in
85. Good night texts
86. Making up perfect moments while in bed
87. THE AIRPORT
88. Happy endings
89. Good books that smell good
90. This particular smell which I cannot describe...
91. Talking to my parents about serious stuff/decisions and feeling mature about it
92. New pen refills
93. When I use a marker to write and the ink doesn't seep through
94. Maggie noodles with a semi-cooked egg
95. Mixing egg yolk into my rice/porridge/noodles/soup
96. "Omg Szeying you're so smart!"
97. Knowing that I have friends that I can go to when I need advice
98. Stalking myself
99. My life in general
100. Powerpuff girls

--
BYE GUYS I'M OFF TO TAIWAN TILL THE 1ST :)
Leaving my confused mind behind for some real fun and shopping and food ♥♥

(Wrote this a while ago and thought I'd post it up for you guys to read while I'm away!)

Back to square one

2011-12-22T22:17:00.001+08:00

Hi guys! Guess who's fully enjoying her holidays right now :) Even though I have so much work at hand and my dad made me go out and do nonsense for two days in a row, I can finally say that I'm feeling really happy for the first time ever since the holidays started! And for once I don't want school to reopen so soon... Looking forward to my Taiwan trip though since I've always wanted to go there and shop ♥

Went out for brunch with Amanda yesterday and it was great catching up with her! We've known each other for four years now gosh time flies so fast and we're growing older with every second that passes T_T

(Credits to her)

So many things to think about and so many decisions to make, but I guess I don't want to think about them because I don't want to lose what I have right now... And also because it's easier this way. But will all this delaying give me the answer that I want? I'm not even sure anymore... Sigh this is so confusing. I just want to be happy :'(

By the way... Guys please show my sister some love @ pixiesfairiesunicorns and she'll appreciate it me very much :D Thanks!

I bet you won't forget

2011-12-19T23:04:00.001+08:00

Writing this entry to mark the first time that my laptop failed me without any viruses plaguing the system. Dear Tablet, you have done well in these four years even though I often tell you how much I hate you and how much I want a macbook/IBM and how your battery life (which is non-existent) sucks and how it's so troublesome that I have to clean the keys every now and then because they are white. You've served me well and even though I still really want a new laptop with a built-in camera so I can skype with my sister all day... PLEASE DO NOT DIE ON ME. Not till my dad decides to get me a new laptop, anyway. Yours sincerely, Mummy's laggy laptop is killing me even though it has a built-in webcam.

I know I'm not supposed to feel this way... But I can't help it :( It's so hard not to think about it that way. It's getting easier though, I'm getting more occupied, and perhaps one day I'll carry on with my life like how it was before. I'll be happy because before all these I was happy and I will be that happy again :) Guess that's what I am supposed to do and what you want me to do. I still think that if I never try then I'll never know but I've been convinced otherwise so many times that I'm starting to think that maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. Maybe it was never real like I thought it was.

Guess who had a huge turkey for dinner tonight :D

It doesn't look like a turkey because we had to chop the limbs up to fit it into the oven hahahahaha
I'm craving for ice cream right now. With lots of chocolate chips and nuts and caramel on top... Yumz

I'm running out of patience cuz I can't believe what the hell I'm hearing

2011-12-16T16:31:00.000+08:00

What are we doing to our home?

* * *

"Do u ever wonder if ur wasting ur life? I'm so focused on getting into a good college that I don't have fun anymore. I go to school and learn and then I go home to do more work. What if I die tomorrow? Then my whole life was pointless." (Source)

Recently I keep thinking about things like that. What would be my biggest regret if my life ended one day? Will I regret the things that I've done? Or will I regret the things that I never did? The things that I gave up because at that point in time it seemed like The Impossible?

I guess a big part of me doesn't want to let go because of this reason. I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting what I haven't done. I don't want to regret not fighting for what I want. What I love. I just can't seem to find the same sentiments in anyone else.

It's true that human beings always think that the bad things only happen to other people, not themselves. We procrastinate doing wonderful and meaningful things because we keep thinking that we still have time. Lots of time. But time and again people have lost their lives over accidents that were not predicted. I asked myself what I've done in these 16 years of my life and I realised that I've wasted all my time on meaningless things. I don't have time anymore; I'm growing older and time is running out, and I don't want to give up on things when I could have fought for them.

Perhaps it's not about being careful anymore, it's about braving the unknown and trying it out so you will know. So you won't regret not trying later. I just don't know how to communicate this to people.

I used to think that "follow your heart" is the most horrible advice ever but now I think it's pretty true. At times when you're plagued by so many problems and reasons not to, just follow your heart. Follow your feelings and maybe they will lead you to your little happy ending.

Because if I only had a day left, I would do everything for you
So why should the answer be different if I have decades before me to do so much more?

Bring the boys out

2011-12-14T21:52:00.000+08:00

Worked today! N called me at around 7:50 AM and asked me to meet him at Bishan and I was all like whattttt? Didn't have enough sleep for the past few days and last night was the only night that I slept well and I had to drag myself out of bed at 8 in the morning :'( Speaking of last night... I'm so amazed at myself for pulling myself out of that endless hole. This might just be the end :')

Anyway, we delivered planners and calendars to different levels in the HP office and it was quite tiring at some points (especially since we didn't have lunch) and I have quite a few cuts along my arms, but it was definitely worth it! A big reason why I went (apart from the salary and my mum being totally cool about it) was because I thought I should get out of the house and it was definitely the right choice. Everyone was nice to me and H and Y were all friendly too :) I also realised how much my impression of N changed since I met him last year. Dude if you're reading this, Bobby was right about you being a nice guy! Even though you're reallllly egoistic and all... Thanks for always taking care of me!

Spent my last hour packing and counting planners and calendars and stoning on the staircase. I felt pretty guilty because all the guys were helping out but I had nothing to do... I wish I could experience being a guy for a day! Well it was still pretty cool because it was raining and the security guard brought us hot milo and it was just perfect.

Oh and I drank red bull for the first time today but I don't think I liked it very much because it was too sweet!

* * *

I want to be the type of mum whom my kids can be totally open with! I want to able to listen to them and guide them so they won't make the same mistakes that I did. I want to tell them fabulous stories like my mum always do and give them relationship advice and teach them how to overcome obstacles and basically, I want to be the type of mum whom my kids love and respect and yet can be comfortable with like I'm their friend :)

To R: I don't know what to say except thank you and I love you so much ♥

To J: Thank you so much for that answer, it was exactly what I needed :')

Why do we keep running from the truth?

A letter to future Szeying

2011-12-13T00:43:00.000+08:00

All the similarities are creeping me out, but I think that's fate's way of saying 'in your face!' because of all the bad things I did... Well I actually feel pretty good now. Which is sorta surprising, but expected all at the same time. Maybe it's because my heart has already sunk to the very bottom and it cannot sink any further so I feel rather numb now. Still thinking about how to put a proper closure to things, but I think my poor memory will eliminate all of it by the end of this week!

And as much as I would rather appear strong, I will admit that it hurts that little bit... But I shall always remind myself of all the horrors and pains that I won't have to go through anymore and feel lucky and grateful :)

When life gives you lemons, you make lemon juice! Yumz

Thought you felt it too

2011-12-11T17:44:00.001+08:00

Now I know you're not a fairy tale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star just don't come true

Talk about our future like we had a clue

2011-12-08T15:09:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I look upon your lonely figure, and I think to myself what is it that keeps you sane. Does it hurt you, or does it already feel numb? If it feels numb, how long and how much effort has it taken you to come to this stage? And every time I arrive at the same conclusion: that I never want to be you; I never want to be alone.

And as much as we comfort ourselves and try to tell ourselves that it doesn't matter, deep inside, we know it does.

--

Was talking to mummy about how we used to sneak out to the convenience store downstairs to get tidbits and junk food, and she told me that she always knew but because it wasn't an extreme practice, she didn't say anything about it. That's such a bummer... I used to think that we were so skilled (ninja_95/97) that our parents never found out about it. I told mummy that we even brought the house phone along when we sneaked out just so we could pick up the phone if my dad calls. I mean, we were smart, right?

Oh and I sent out the letter to Yanting yesterday :) I would be very happy if I had hello kitty stamps! That would be just perfect.

Or maybe someday I'll have my face printed on a stamp. Hehehehehe

It's getting harder now, just like what I had predicted it to become

[Edit]: 2011 has pretty much been a test for me. I've made so many decisions this year and those decisions weren't small ones; many of them had such great impacts on my life - and my emotions, too. Thought about it (under my blankets) and wrote it all down. I would be grateful to myself for doing this a few years down the road. I'm pretty sure. Just have to get through this initial phase of sadness... And perhaps gluttony. Whoa. Why am I already expecting the worst?

Guess I always knew. I just fought it out of my stubborn nature. Now reality is back to hit me in the face and I'll have to make amendments for what I've done to ruin my own life.

It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay in the end; and if it's not okay, it's not the end.

But I set fire to the rain

2011-12-05T20:30:00.001+08:00

^ Lyrics that are stuck in my head today. Yesterday was Sparks Fly. Well what do you call this? Holiday brain :)

So yesterday was Litong's birthday and because of some reasons we planned to celebrate it today and also give her a surprise, and I think it was pretty successful! Had a really really fun time today and everybody brought yummy food so my tummy was pretty happy too! Lost 0.8 kg during the holidays and I think I gained all of it back today... Oh well. Worth it.

(Currently sipping on leftover green tea from our little picnic)

Photos (except the last one) credit to Nicole!

I texted Litong that we're all wearing rainbow colours (red, orange, yellow, blue and purple) so she had to wear bright blue, but I told all the rest to wear grey so she stood out. Still can't believe she fell for it! She told me that she thought I was really that lame so she wore it... Is that a compliment or an insult? And we were so lucky because it didn't rain AT ALL today. Thank you whoever's up there blessing me, you actually answered my wishes :)

Hope Litong really enjoyed herself! She's an amazing friend and I really love her :)

Giving feels so great. Left an anonymous message on someone's blog yesterday and I really hope it helped her, or at least gave her fresh hope.
--
Nora: So it was strangely fitting that it happened then, since love is a kind of heart attack. I'm sure it hurts as much as one sometimes - and the pain lasts for a whole lot longer. (Through the Heart by Kate Morgenroth)

Sometimes I think that I know you so well, but sometimes you're like another stranger to me.

Why can't you keep in pace?

2011-12-03T12:30:00.001+08:00

A lack of respect will get me no where, and I will handle things the mature way.
Wish me luck.

[Edit]: Maybe there's no perfect solution around this. Maybe I just have to do it the hard way. Well... Wordplay is pretty mature right? Hehe

I'm so excited for our picnic next Monday :) I just really really hope that my dad will let me out sigh. I think he found out about my calculator (for those who read my blog regularly, you would know what happened) and he's not very happy about it. In deep waters nowww

Well, once again, wish me luck.
IFYOU'REREADINGTHISSTOPREADINGTHEWORDSIPUTINWHITEGRR
Anyway, anyone wants my hello kitty/jack union oversized hoodies? $12 each and $20 for both! You can't get them at a lower price anywhere else I think. I have run out of hangers to hang my clothes and so I kinda need to clear my wardrobe... Email me if you're interested k :)

Cause there'll be no sunlight if I lose you baby

2011-12-02T19:40:00.001+08:00

Hello world, please welcome back a tired Szeying :(

This week's been really busy for me and now that the children's camp/dance is over, I can finally have a breather and sleep in tomorrow! That's really good news for me especially since before the hectic week started, I couldn't sleep in either because I was sick and my body clock was screwed up. I would wake up at 5 or 6 AM in the morning and just lay in bed until sleep takes over me, and then I'd wake up at 7 or 8 again. Basically the past few days have been a torture and I'm so glad it's over.

That being said, I've learnt a lot of things about myself and the people around me too! The children's camp was especially inspiring because I discovered that I have a patient side to me too! I was actually surprised at how I handled some things considering my temper, but I managed to ignore this little kid who kept calling me names and spilling vulgarities. I didn't want to let him get to me because I told myself that all he wants is attention and I will not give it to him or he will be more proud and full of himself and become worse than ever.

I think parents really do play an important role in the upbringing of their kids... I'm so thankful for my parents and all that they have done for me :)

And all the dance practices were pretty fun! I realised that time passes so much more quickly when you enjoy what you are doing. I'll admit that my attention span is quite short (especially when I have a lack of sleep) though.

Sorry for the wordy post, reflections naturally rush to me after I've completed something. Toodles and hope you guys are having a great holiday :)

Why do things always come in packages?

2011-11-27T20:53:00.001+08:00

It all summed up to nothing

2011-11-24T20:41:00.001+08:00

~~How could you be so selfish?~~

It's like when you're shopping and you see something you really like but don't know whether you should get it, so you hold on to it and nobody else can get it even though they might really want it. And in the end you decide not to get it and the poor thing just sits back on the shelf, feeling all lonely again. It could have gotten a nice new owner but you took that chance away just because you were hesitant about it and not willing to let go.

~~Selfish.~~

~~I'm not going to cry this time, I've always been and will always be strong for my own sake. But why do I feel so nauseous? It's like emotions are threatening to spill out of me~~

~~It was so hard. I should really slap myself for bringing myself to this misery zz~~

I'm not that strong, I really am not :(

Cause when you took my heart you took it all

2011-11-22T22:05:00.001+08:00

"Even then, her words had left Tomas in a strange state of melancholy, and now he realized it was only a matter of chance that Tereza had loved him and not his friend Z. Apart from her consummated love for Tomas, there were, in the realm of possibility, an infinite number of unconsummated love for other men."

-- The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

* * *

So sweet :')

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

2011-11-21T11:53:00.000+08:00

Went out with Yanting last Wednesday. It was nice to catch up with her! If you're reading this, I still keep all your letters! Love you babe :)

Spent my weekends in KL. The drive up there and back was pretty much like a road trip and I was really glad that I went with my family by the end of the trip. Everything went well and shopping is the absolute love ♥

Also woke up to pretty wavy hair on Sunday morning! I have really straight hair but sometimes when I wake up in the morning, it's really wavy and the waves can last throughout the day ^^

Mummy was saying that I'll be the kind of mum who will need a maid to look after my kids because I can't take care of them myself or something... Now I'm determined to prove her wrong! Who said I don't like kids kk I love kids and kids love me too ☺ /shameless

Well it's true! Look who fell asleep on my lap on the way back. Wasn't the most awesome position for me because I couldn't take my own nap but I felt really protective of my little brother :) And I had a great time trying to make out shapes in the clouds. I don't know if it's just me but... One of the clouds looked like a dinosaur holding a baby dinosaur omg. I have such a vivid imagination!

My brother also said he likes me :) It also got me thinking about whether he thinks that it's cool to have such a cool sister like me. Hehehehehe

I'm so glad things are becoming better now. Having a clearer view of everything really makes me happier. I just really really hope that I made the right decisions for myself :)

Being alive is so amazing.

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it

Sometimes I get a good feeling

2011-11-17T16:36:00.001+08:00

I was going to write a super long post about how bored I am and how I'm still so worried about my higher Chinese results but I've decided against it. I just really really really want to go on a picnic/shop/fly a kite/run around/lie down and do nothing/eat/read a book/clear my room right now. But I don't feel like doing all that either.

It's like the holidays have started but they haven't started because I'm still waiting for something. I might happen to have the slightest clue of what it is.

Well... Guess who's in yet another painting hehehehehe
I just remembered my mum didn't buy me my guo ties! Rawr it's my favourite :(

Why am I so afraid of being judged?

Where did all the lighters in the night sky go?

2011-11-15T13:27:00.001+08:00

I just really need a break from everything right now. Guess you'll never understand how horrible I feel about everything. But it's okay, it's all okay because I'm used to it. It'll all be okay because I'll gather myself together and go on. It has to be okay because life goes on.

Or at least I could pretend to be okay because that's how it works. And at some point of time, after lots of practice and pretense, it'll all become okay. It has to be, right? You can't sink forever. You'll have to hit rock bottom and then you can rise up again.

Keep the faith, keep the faith.

I wish someone would write me a letter

2011-11-13T14:58:00.001+08:00

Almost revealed my number on my blog ohmyg. Thank goodness for the preview function! Anyway. SO PRETTY RIGHT?!! If you can't see it properly, the background is the same floral design I have on this site :) I swear it looks way prettier in real life!

I am so bored, the word 'bored' is a total understatement of how bored I am. I know I should doing something productive like reading a book (I borrowed books from the library yay me!) or starting on my math homework but I've had such an exhausting week, so I figured I should give myself a break. There are soooo many things I want to do during the holidays including painting my nails before dance practices start again, but I'm so lazy to do anything right now. In fact the nails on my left hand are painted but I'm too lazy to paint the ones on my right. Oh gosh what is happening to me :(

Hmm shall list down a few things I wanna do so I will actually remember them and not spend my holidays re-watching How I Met Your Mother again and again!

1. Have a picnic again
2. Twilight Saga marathon up till Eclipse, and
3. Watch Breaking Dawn in the theatres
4. (Must) revise chemistry
5. Do fun stuff outdoors and not shop all day long!

I need to learn how to manage my finances :( But there has been visible improvement since I haven't spent a cent of my birthday money! NOW ARE YOU GUYS PROUD OF ME. Although I will admit that there's hardly a cent left from my allowance this month oops.

So recently I learnt, through many channels, that I have actually made impacts on other people's lives :') I'm totally a believer of that I'm-a-small-person-in-this-world-and-utterly-insignificant-too crap and knowing that I've actually affected people in one way or another makes me so touched! And that being said, I do idolise people around me and many have inspired me in different ways too! I have friends, whom I'm not close to, who seem to be suffering and inflicting physical pains upon themselves and I really do feel for them. Sometimes I ask myself why I was made to live and think this way and I wonder why other people can't do it too. I really want to grow up to be a figure of positive inspiration. I don't need or even want to be famous, I just hope to be able to make other people see why I think the way I think and hopefully they'll be positively influenced too :) Not that I'm some kind of superhero, but yeah, just sayin'.

I totally want a penpal!

Shakethatshop

2011-11-13T10:14:00.001+08:00

I don't usually do this, but shakethatshop has got really pretty pieces in their first collection and you guys can't miss it!

Tadah!! They have just launched collection 1 and they only have one piece of everything, so you won't find someone else with the same piece as you! First 10 shoppers will also get a surprise ☺ And on top of that, there will be a free giveaway for anyone (shoppers, of course) who follows and retweets them on twitter @shakethatshop! Non-shoppers who follow and retweet stand a chance to receive a free giveaway too :)

Like their facebook page at shakethatshop for regular updates!

All the items are on a first come first serve basis so hurry up and shop noww @ shakethatshop ☺
Quote "Szeying" and get free normal postage! ~~Teehee and thank me afterwards ^^~~

X

I will never be the same without you

2011-11-12T19:57:00.001+08:00

A few of my favourites. I love her so much! And now that my Higher Chinese paper is over (which was easier than expected, though I screwed up paper 1), I don't have anything to study for so... I can spend days and days just watching all her videos on youtube yay :)

Tick tock tick tock

Keeping the faith that everything will be okay

2011-11-09T17:33:00.000+08:00

I take back my words about my brother being really horrible. He can be horrible but he's definitely the cutest kid I know. And he does have a kind heart and stuff like that :) Also I definitely like kids who ask "why" all the time. Reminds me of myself when I was younger teehee

Anyway, I told my mum that dad shouldn't ground my sister because it's not going to make her learn her lesson. As I've expected, she asked me for a more effective solution... So I told her it's her job to find a better solution, not mine :D Okay that was a horrible answer but it's true! I think mummy needs to figure out what would be a better way to keep things in control and as much as I'd like to help... I don't want to because the only effective method (which they used on me when I dropped my phone into the seawater) I can think of is to let her be without a phone. Which would be cruel considering that the 21st century is coming to an end and technology is a must to have around. And I don't want my sister to hate me -__-

Oh and tomorrow's my higher Chinese paper... WHAT AM I DOING HERE RIGHT NOW JEEZ

If you're in love, put your hands up

2011-11-08T19:36:00.001+08:00

Got so angry at the dining table, I just gobbled down my food and went into my room to find the chinese passage I wanted to show my mum. The passage is about why parents shouldn't let the kids get the good food all the time and when I did it in school for some paper, I practically wrote a note down at the side to remind myself to show it to my mum. I mean seriously, my little brother is horrible.

My sister got grounded so I went out alone today to get some stuff. Ended up shopping alone, which was weird at first but I think it totally suits my personality. I'm all about own time own target hehe.

And anyway, why would anyone ground their kid for losing his/her phone? Aren't punishments supposed to correspond to what the mistake is? Grounding her is not going to miraculously make her learn not to leave her phone in some toilet cubicle. I mean, history has already proven me right. You grounded her the other time and oh look, she lost her phone again -.- And I don't get why I can't ask "why" when you said she couldn't go out with me. Do I not have the right to know?

I love my parents but sometimes adults are so blinded by their authority, they can't analyse and think about whether they're doing it correctly. And the thing they have about not trusting children and our views is just plain annoying.

I'm already regretting eating my food that fast. Didn't really have enough to eat and I'm probably going to starve for the rest of the night :(

I wish time could pass a little fasterrrrrrrrrr

You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade

2011-11-05T18:08:00.001+08:00

My pink shades and ear muffs! So pretty rightttt. Thank you Rachel and Lynette for the pink heart shaped shades ♥ Have been wanting to get one of those forever and they got me one (AND IT'S PINK) for my birthday ^^

Time, I really need you to flyyy. Lately I keep getting into this horrible cycle of thinking. I ponder about the ulterior motives that everyone around me could possibly have, and then I think deeper and deeper and decide that I won't trust anybody ever again. Then I snap back and think that human beings can't be that evil because we were all born kind... Right? I mean even if I hate someone to the core (and that someone currently doesn't exist) I wouldn't do anything extremely mean to him/her because after all I am a human and I know what to do and what not to. I know my limits and when to stop in case I overly hurt him/her. Then I think that maybe not everyone is as nice as me (cough cough) and thus... I SHOULD NOT TRUST ANYONE. Gosh I have trust issues don't I?

~~Omg my GPA omg omg omg omg omg omg~~ Guess who striked off her target which she set in the beginning of the year :) Well I became pretty nervous for my higher chinese paper on Thursday after laoshi said that the papers have been becoming harder each year. I'm so worried about my zong he tian kong because my marks are rather unstable and pretty extreme. It's either I fail it terribly or I pass with flying colours, and the latter doesn't happen very frequently so... Sigh.
i miss you so bad
Stay strong, Szeying, stay strong.

I just can't get enough

2011-11-01T20:04:00.001+08:00

Had the cutest cake for my birthday :) Yesterday wasn't the most special day and it felt like any other day, but I definitely had a great time. Really appreciated everyone who bothered, and I really appreciated all that I received, be it presents or a simple birthday wish. I think birthdays are special because you get to find out who really cares and who doesn't. Heartfelt wishes and messages really did make my day :)

I guess there'll always be hatred in this world. Whether it is stemmed from jealousy or personal interests, people won't ever stop hating on other people. Maybe it makes you feel superior, or maybe it gives you joy to put down others like that. I don't think I want to be involved anymore. It's too tiring to continuously suspect and analyse actions and words and I'd rather not now. I just wish I could pretend like I don't know.

Well no matter what happens, there'll always be people who care! That's all that matters to me now :)

In your eyes I'll like to stay

2011-10-30T20:52:00.000+08:00

My last day as a fifteen year old!

~~Why did I have a feeling it'll turn out really really bad?~~ Well that probably means that in contrast, tomorrow will be a pretty good day. Hope so, anyway. I used to be one of those people who loves her birthday a lot but over the years I've learnt that birthdays are the worst days ever. You have really high expectations of it and those expectations usually crumble down to nothing. I just hope it'll be a nice day :(

Sigh life sucks sometimes.

And when you slammed the front door shut, a lot of others opened up

2011-10-25T18:11:00.000+08:00

But if life was that easy, it wouldn't be exciting anymore.

I gave it my best and I got the results that I wanted. I thought it was impossible but I did it. It really takes a low point to build up a high one, perhaps even higher than the last peak. It's such a wonderful feeling when you know your efforts have paid off! I don't think I've ever been this happy. It was wrong of me to think that when things are good, they can't get better. I have been proven wrong and I'm glad.

To summarise... I DID WELL FOR CHEM! Went to ask Mr Johll if I've improved by a lot just so I could hear the answer I wanted to hear and when he said yes I was so so so so so so happy ^^

/Tears of joy

I'm genuinely worried about you. It's not that I want to poke my nose into your matters but I'm really worried because I care. I really hope things will turn out well for you and I just want you to know that whatever happens, it's always for the best because someone up there has got our lives planned out for us. I believe we'll all have happy endings because we deserve to :)

13. Always talk things out

2011-10-23T19:54:00.000+08:00

^ Title's from my list of note-to-self's in my phone!

Decided to take a break from the Chinese paper I'm trying to complete and write this post. Okay I've been taking more than enough breaks, but I just can't help procrastinating! Especially when doing a Chinese paper is so tedious and I can't stress it enough. Approximately 160 characters for each answer and we have to do 987654321 papers before the actual Os?!

Deeply disturbed by how my little brother is acting like a spoilt brat. I don't know if I've said this but I used to resent my parents for being so strict with me when I was younger, but now I really thank them for everything that they've done to make me who I am today. I don't understand why they're not doing the same to my little brother and now he's gone from a cute and lovable boy to a rude and selfish person. Sure I still love him and I am amazed by how fast he can pick up things (I'm his math teacher!), and he's not that bad inside and all but politeness is the basic virtue anyone should have right? Just so worried about him sigh.

And sometimes I feel like I live in a different world from all my other siblings because they're all going through their rebellious years and I've already snapped out of it (I'd like to think so, anyway). Gosh I feel so old. Thinking about the future makes me so scared and this is the very first time that I'm not looking forward to my birthday :( There are other reasons too but yeah basically I'm so not looking forward to it :(

I've never had someone who knows me like you do, the way you do
I've never had someone as good for me as you, no one like you

I wanna be a dream come true

2011-10-19T21:53:00.000+08:00

I wish life had a reset button because I feel like I could use one right now. I wish people were more understanding and reasonable because I'm so fed up with everything right now. I wish I had a genie so I could ask him to make me happy again. I wish unhappiness was temporary and happiness was forever, not the other way round. I wish words didn't hurt so bad. I wish I had been a little smarter.

I wish people understood me.

And that's the way I loved you

2011-10-18T20:44:00.000+08:00

Was trying to sort out all my Chinese handouts so I can file them properly since I have so much time. And since cleaning up is always like a treasure hunt and I always find things that I never knew existed/I forgot that they existed... I thought I'd put down some things and "reflections" just before they slip out of my mind. That's the thing I like about writing, jotting down my thoughts really works wonders afterwards when I come back and read them again. It'll make me feel like I'm reliving that part of my life all over again and yeah it's just magical :)

Sooo I found lots of crumpled pieces of paper and presentation scripts/cards which by the way had my beautiful handwriting on them because I usually write out my scripts. Then I found this notebook which I totally forgot that I had in the beginning of the year. And when I opened up this notebook I found out that I had stapled many pages together and that only meant that there were confidential stuff inside, so I ripped it open and... I realised that I had a really bad start this year. I guess I never really told anyone but I was simply miserable. It was one of the lowest points of my life and there was never really a reason why (or maybe too many reasons why), and I'm so glad it's all over. The second half of the year has been really good to me and I thank whoever's blessing me up there for all this goodness that I'm enjoying now. Sure it's never the best, but after all those experiences that have made me shed so much tears, I don't think I will take things for granted anymore. Just gonna enjoy it while I can and be happy while I am because I know things will never be this smooth and yeah. Living life to the fullest because I deserve to :)

~~Also found the card which I never gave out.~~ I don't think I'll ever forget that day

I was pretty upset before this but now I think I'm going to look at things from a different point of view. No more but's and more of at least's :) Never mind if you don't get what I'm talking about haha.

I think of you and everything's okay

2011-10-16T14:13:00.000+08:00

I remember every look upon your face

The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste

You make it hard for breathing

'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away

I think of you and everything's okay

And finally now, believing

And maybe it's true, that I can't live without you

Well maybe two is better than one

But there's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life

And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking two, is better than one

I've been looking under rocks and breaking locks

2011-10-13T18:33:00.000+08:00

Had my last two written tests today. It sure feels weird to know that secondary school education is ending for me. Sometimes I still feel like I'm still in sec 3 or something. It's that kind of feeling when you write "2010" on your homework and realise that it's already 2011. Time sure flies! Although I'm still 15 years young hehe ^^

I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT MY LAST CHEM TEST IN SECONDARY SCHOOL. Okay so before the paper even started, I was already on the verge of tears. I felt pretty numb before I walked into the examination hall and once I sat down, I was like... crap. And when Mr Johll walked past and gave me that smile, I totally died inside because I knew I won't do well and I'll disappoint everybody else again ☹ I don't know why I have such a phobia for chemistry but it just seems so alien to me. Just like how some people find math alien and totally impossible. I feel that way for chem and I don't know how to get over it. The paper was okay even though I almost didn't have time to finish it, but... I just know that I won't do well for it. Somehow. I don't know why either :(

This is the first time that I don't really want to get back my results :(

Chemistry and school aside... I've been having REALLY REALLY cool dreams. Yesterday I dreamt that I was getting married on the field beside my house omg haha. I think it's because I've always wondered why the field beside my house is so pretty and why we have to move away. I'll miss the greenery so much :( Oh and I dreamt that some guy broke into my house and my fridge was really messy, so I snapped into my awesome detective persona and theorised that he must have made a mess to hide something. And sooooo I found out that he stole all my m&m's! Afterwards that guy returned with a ghost when the police came but they were invisible to the policemen and I was so spooked out because they just appeared out of nowhere. THEN THE GUY TURNED INTO A CLOCK and I tortured him by spinning the hands round and round and he just kept chanting "I want chocolate... I want chocolate..."

Okay what movies have I been watching hmm. I'm so cranked up. Must be all the stress that was killing me last night because of... chem :(

Why must things constantly change?

Just something light so this entry won't seem so moody. Kids are so cute ☺ XO

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve this, sometimes I just don't want to wait anymore... But then I think about why I've been holding on, and I tell myself: you're worth it :)

You know we're superstars

2011-10-07T11:36:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I just feel like getting away. Sometimes I just feel like escaping to a really really pretty place and then stay there forever. Sometimes I just wanna give up on things I don't like but am forced to do, sometimes I just want to relax and live life the way I want to.

Like, screw studying.

Right now I just want to lie down under the night sky and watch the stars shimmer like we always did in boarding school X

~~It's funny how people whom I used to think about every other second suddenly become nothing. I guess that's what they mean by infatuation.~~

We found love in a hopeless place

2011-10-05T18:31:00.000+08:00

So many firsts, so many lasts.

I think people who cry easily (we are not crybabies!) have an abundance of hormones. Now do I sound like a biology expert teeheehee :) I have no idea what subject combination I should choose. I've kind of decided but I'm not sure if it's really what I want... What if I regret it :( What if chem becomes hell for me omg omg omg omg ugh I hate chem. Praying really really hard that I'll do well for chem eoys *-*

Today was the last day of lessons with my current class. Hmm okay we'll still see each other when the hardcore chinese "intensive camp" (as they like to call it, but I'd call it extreme misery) starts. Need to do more zong he tian kong practices! I hate mcqs omg there's only a probability of 0.25 of getting a mcq right okay?! Anywayz I think I'll really miss my classss. It's the smallest class I've ever been in, so naturally we're more bonded I guess. Sure we have our own cliques but when it comes to mingling with other people it's never been a problem! Why must we always separate ways after really getting to know other peopleeee sigh I dislike goodbyes :( Plus I'll miss our cute LA teacher so muchh hehe

Drowning in doubts :( Helppp

Do I sound incoherent hmm. That's probably because I'm kind of sick right now so I can't think properly :s I don't know why but recently I always fall sick right before my exams or any major event sigh. Must have gotten the virus from litong or bobby pft.

OH TWENTY SIX DAYS TO MY BIRTHDAY YAY I AM SO EXCITED.
Going to shop for everyone else's belated birthday presents after my birthday because I don't want them to think that I just wanted them to get me presents. Second resolution for 2012: remember birthdays and don't give belated presents anymore!

First resolution for 2012: pray that the world will not end :x

When everything is wrong, we move along

2011-09-29T19:59:00.000+08:00

Found out that sci-fi movies are my thing! Okay I'm not supposed to be watching movies but lately I'm so stressed you knoww. I really don't get why they have to put all the deadlines just before our examinations! Don't even have time to revise for eoys and there's only a week left :( Panic attackkkkkkkkk

this guy is so cute x.x

EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH THE BUTTERLY EFFECT AND MEMENTO.

Wait I take back my words. All of you should probably be studying instead. Just like how I should be doing my math questions but I'm taking a break so yeah :) One year ago trigonometry was my enemy and now we're best friends and I'm really glad :') I'm a geeeeek 8)

WHO IS ABOUT TO WATCH THE MACHINIST. Hope it isn't that scary hehe

taking chances

A love story

2011-09-25T18:24:00.001+08:00

Makes me cry :') If only...

I wanna go all the way

2011-09-21T20:16:00.000+08:00

A rainbow after every rain storm :)

Feeling so insecure lately. I don't know why I'm feeling this way but at least it's not as bad as previously so yay. I think my life is changing for the better wheeee I'm feeling happier each day! Plus school has become so interesting; even bio lessons are fun now. Miracles must exist ^^

Barney and Robin please get together and marry each other in the enddddd

Exams are coming in three weeks but I'm not exactly starting to study yet - perhaps because I'm already kind of prepared for most subjects. It's actually a good thing when our class tests are so near to the eoys, all my notes are done and I can just reuse them or something. BUT that still does not mean I will ace chem :( The dean gave us a subject combi talk this afternoon and it really got me thinking. If I took subjects based on my own interests, then I wouldn't take chem! It's ironic when people tell us how we should pursue our own passions but in the end they "recommend" us to take certain subjects because they "open more doors". It's just so ironic zz

BTW I DISCOVERED A REALLY REALLY REALLY COOL CAM APP AND I'M OFFICIALLY ABUSING IT.

LIKE SUP I'M IN A PAINTING.

Physics test was okay today, but that prolly means I flunked it. Hope bio test will be okay tomorrow :s Shall do some revision now tata!

Going down

2011-09-19T19:44:00.000+08:00

I guess life is all about building dreams and seeing them get crushed by reality.

I've got so much to say but I feel like I shouldn't be putting it down here. I just want to talk to someone who truly understands. Someone who won't judge me for who I am and what I think. How I think. How I feel. Someone who can actually stand in my shoes and see why it is such a big deal to me. I just want a hug and a "everything will be alright" and I want everything to be truly alright :(

Not giving up.

But baby I know what you are

2011-09-18T16:47:00.000+08:00

Went to watch Beyond 2011 yesterday and it was really great! Loved the last performance hehe it was so dreamy :) Camwhored a lot with Sharmaine's phone too hehehehehe

I actually downed my dinner in 5 minutes last night.

Currently drowning in stress because of all the deadlines and tests coming up next week :( Every time when there's a bio test nearing I'll just be like asdfghjkl STRESSED. I don't know why but bio is just so alien to me! Like even though I can't do well for chem, at least I understand the stuff (yeah just can't apply) and all. Eh but I can do quite well in bio k teehee like with a ~~little bit~~ whole chunk of luck ^^

Okay and I'm going through some kind of trauma now somebody save me please. I've been anticipating this ever since I got started and now it's just... I don't wanna lose it :( I really don't want to! But I can't help feeling this way and yeah it's just not real for me. Every other day I wake up and ask myself whether I'm still living in a dream - YEAH IT FEELS LIKE A DREAM. *pinches myself several times* Trying to hold on trying to hold on trying to hold on

Please make it easier for me :(

Oh and has anyone seen a graphing calculator with a pink sticker on it with a balloon/hearts next to it??? I'm so freaked out, I actually dreamt that I got scolded for losing it last night and when I woke up I was actually crying omg. And I proceeded to sob for a few more minutes before I fell asleep again I think. Please return it to me if you've found it :(

And because I'm cute like that (not blushing hohoho)...

Pretty thoughts make pretty people

2011-09-13T23:26:00.000+08:00

I don't know why people are always hating and stuff. I mean I do dislike people but it's temporary and more of a momentary kind of thing. And I forgive people fast because I don't usually stay angry for too long. It's not a very nice feeling and it's pretty tiring to think unhappy thoughts yeah. Even though everyone's supposed to have their own personality and stuff, I've always thought that deep inside, everyone's the same. Whether you're innocent or evil or friendly or unfriendly, it's more of what you present on the outside. To me, on the inside, all of us have pretty much the same thoughts. Okay am I making sense hmm. Anyway I just wanted to say that I honestly don't understand why you can't just chill and think about things from a different point of view. There's no point attacking people right? Well I don't know if you enjoy making people unhappy... But I just hope you will realise that you got me wrong and yeah basically you're just making a big fuss out of nothing because you misunderstood what I said. The end.

Things aren't that tough sometimes. The answer is pretty simple no?

On a lighter note, my mum's finally back!! :) I was walking towards her in the airport and I was just like oh no this is going to be awkward because my family isn't the touchy kind and we don't really express our feelings well, but when I saw her she gave me and my brother a huge hug and I was just like aww :') I missed her so much! And my little brother came back with three questions to test our knowledge hahaha omg I didn't know the answers to two out of three questions hmm. Then he said something about me being the oldest but the dumbest okay I admit it okay :'(

Really really really glad they're back :)

I don't know what to feel

2011-09-11T10:29:00.000+08:00

I don't get you at all. Why did you make me believe? All those were just lies and I should have known. A tiny part of me knew anyway. I'm just angry with myself okay? I thought it was different. Well better that I know now. Everyone's the same in this horrible place we call the world anyway. Everyone's gonna lie and let you down in the end.

OKAY WHATEVER I GOT OVER IT. Whuddup life, I'm not afraid of you :) Yeah I worked hard to get this far and I’m not going to let some unimportant nonsense get to me. I’m optimistic like that wheeeeee. Plus things always happen for a reason right? Maybe someone up there just wants me to go through this so… I don’t know things must have been planned out nicely for me so I shouldn’t worry too much for now :) Says the girl who believes in fate.

Man I love myself *-*

Guess who watched pll! Season 1 wasn't as scary as it was supposed to be because I've already read the book and I kinda knew what was going to happen. Everybody should buy the book because it's so pretty :) You know how people say you should never judge a book by its cover... I do the direct opposite! I buy books with pretty covers all the time ^^ Anyway back to pll. KEEGAN ALLEN IS SO HOT

I LIKE HIS SHIRT. It says nerds love apple pi hahahahaha so cute

Anyways since it's the last day of the holidays I should prolly get outta blogger and do some work. I've done a lot okayyyy I think. Have fun today and have fun in school tomorrow! :) That was not sarcastic hehe I can't wait for school to reopen wheeee. Yep tata for now!

p/s my hair smells nice :)

p/p/s too bad you can't smell it :)

p/p/p/s has anyone else noticed that the back of a car (with the lights and all) kinda looks like... a monster?

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XO.

Back at home you feel so far

2011-09-09T16:38:00.000+08:00

Guess who left her pile of homework at home and went shopping today *guilty look* And guess who's planning to take a nap after writing this blog entry even though she really ought to start on her homework/revision/projects *guilty look x2*

And guess who bought a hair band even though she doesn't really wear them! It's pretty, but I think it hates me or something. It keeps slipping off my head :(

~~I will not miss people who don't miss me because I'm cool like that B)~~ Okay I think I lost my coolness somewhere along those sweetly honeyed lies pft. Oh well. Should really be going down to the tracks to run now especially since the weather is great and I've been eating sooooooo much lately. At weird timings, too. Life without my mum is horrible. Everyday I'll have biscuits and milk for breakfast and noodles/macs/nothing at all for lunch and fish for dinner . Yeah I actually noticed a trend in what we eat for dinner. AND we're always having dinner at nine or ten which is absolutely unhealthy and fattening (and depressing, too). A hungry Szeying is a grumpy girl indeed.

Nobody takes neoprints anymore but... I have a lame sister like that :)

Hold on, make it last

2011-09-07T18:15:00.001+08:00

Okay look who's got a medal. Don't I deserve some applause or something :) I love medals and trophies sooooo much I could spend an entire day just looking at all my medals and trophies!

So today I realised that I'm a ~~jerk~~ I think jerks are only used for guys soooo I am not a jerk :) Maybe I gotta keep my thoughts under control. It's horrible thinking about things like that but I just can't help it sometimes. I mean like, you got to be realistic or you'll just end up hurting yourself, right? And I am that realistic when it comes to anything and everything because I was made to always defend myself like that. I do believe that everybody was born innocent and experiences and surroundings change people's mindsets. Well unless you gained some form of "enlightenment" then that's a total different story altogether. And I might have gained that "enlightenment" which made me who I am today. Never mind if you don't know what I'm talking about... It's normal :)

I honestly don't know how I've got all these time to sit down and think about nonsense lol.

Braced myself for the goodbye
'Cause that's all I've ever known
Then you took me by surprise
You said I'll never leave you alone

You said I rememeber how we felt sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter
She is the best thing that's ever been mine

Because it takes two to whisper quietly

2011-09-04T11:29:00.000+08:00

Currently drowning in doubts.

Survived two days without my mum and dad, who's coming back today. Stuck a post-it note on my desk to count down to when my mum comes back. I miss her cooking I miss her smell I miss her voice I miss her being around :( Being home alone does make me feel more mature though. Makes me think of those days when they were both out working and I had to cook lunch (i.e. porridge with whatever sauce we could find in the kitchen) for my siblings. We used to sneak downstairs to get all the tidbits too :) Guess that's why I'm kinda sick of tidbits and snacks now.

I've never been perfect, but neither have you

Just weighed myself and I'm not that heavy after all ^^ Feeling so guilty because I haven't exercised in a long long time and I should really be heading down to the tracks now but I'm too lazy to even move. In fact I haven't had breakfast yet because I'm too lazy to move. Oh well. Lately I came up with a new theory that if I walk with a bounce in my steps and do some excessive jumping around the house, I won't need to specially go down to the tracks to run anymore! What a great idea right :D Okay but I will still run because running is fun yay.

What if excessive worrying about others tires me out?

And suddenly you're all I need; the reason why I smile

2011-09-02T17:30:00.000+08:00

Perfect day: wake up, nice long shower, morning walk, lunch at home, afternoon nap -
And it ends here. I can't picture a perfect night because nights are usually meant for work, work and more work. Perhaps reading a book will make it great but I kinda have a short attention span so... Yeah prolly won't work in my case!

I was just reading someone else's blog, and then I realised how lucky I actually am. Sure I have to put up with all the drama, hypocrites and ~~occasional~~ bad grades, but somehow all these workload piling up on my desk don't seem to bother me as much as it bothers other people. Maybe it's just how I look at it. Used to feel helpless about bad grades too, in fact I still do when it comes to chemistry, but somehow I just know that if I keep trying, it'll get better. And bad times will eventually be over. Came up with this advice for my friend and since then it has stuck to me: bad times are only so that happy times seem happier. It makes me feel better about myself and what's happening around me. And all the motivational quotes I stuck all around just makes it better for me every single time I feel down :)

And I think sometimes it's okay to feel down because you know you're going to go up after you hit an all time low.

I'm thinking a lot nowadays, and it's becoming an uncontrolled habit. Sometimes it's pretty annoying like how it keeps me awake at night (totally screwed up my sleeping schedule), but other times it really keeps me in my rational mind and it really helps me make sound decisions. Guess I used to go with the flow/my emotions too much and ended up hurting myself. And others, too. Maybe I ought to change that; maybe I ought to look at the bigger picture sometimes and decide what's really right for me. But most importantly, I'll go for whatever makes me happy because we only live life once, so I'll make it worthwhile for myself :)

And because I realised all my posts have to either start or end with a picture...

everyone deserves to sparkle

And so I went and let you blow my mind

2011-09-01T22:24:00.000+08:00

Went back to nanhua yesterday for Mid-Autumn Festival and it wasssssss... I don't know because I left early hehe. The games this year looked fun but I didn't see any cotton candy/ice cream before I had to go :( And the nachos I had was absolutely crappy. The drumsticks were really yummy though :) I miss nanhua canteen food so much! Nj's food is like... Oh wait nj has food?! Okay inside joke hehe. Said hi to a few people and everybody seems to have changed so much! (Except Jiayun and Jiehui because they are still as short as ever ^^) Couldn't recognise some people hehe or maybe it's just my poor eyesight :s So yeah that concludes my visit to nanhua teehee.

I DIDN'T LIKE TEACHERS' DAY CELEBRATIONS BECAUSE LITONG DIDN'T WEAR HER PINAFORE.

wheredoistandwheredoyoustandandwhyamifeelingthisway
... Maybe this is all wrong.

The holidays are here ^^ Holidays = shopping + fun + more sleep - brain energy (used to do homework) = happier Szeying! Okay I hope term 4 will be better because term 3 was seriously horrible pfft.

maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year

I'm so starstruck

2011-08-27T18:01:00.000+08:00

Acting as if the holidays are already here hehe. Sleep slack sleep slack eat slack sleep slack yay my life is so awesome :) Dad gave me two movie tix (vouchers?) today! Webcammed with Nicole in the afternoon teehee sigh if only everyday was like today ♥

Very happy with my camera because I found a setting that makes my hair brown :)

Looking forward to next week :) Holiday, holiday, mid-autumn @ nanhua, teacher's day celebrations, holiday! And we get to wear whatever we want for teacher's day celebrations yay ^^ Overheard someone saying that we should wear nj uniform because they call it the "be yourself day" and we're nj muggers LOL. Okay but once the holiday is over it would be really really near to the eoys and it'll be time to study :( Anybody wanna study with meeeeee

On a random note, I hope I find a faithful husband :s

OKAY I SHALL GO TAKE ANOTHER NAP OR SOMETHING HEHE. Goodbye people, have a greattttttt holiday and remember to

#425:

2011-08-25T16:52:00.003+08:00

Every day I love you a little bit more

2011-08-24T18:15:00.000+08:00

My life has been so exciting lately, Lynette said it's like a drama series or something lolol.

Maybe some things are just not meant to be. Feelings can't be forced right? If I've been doing things the wrong way, if I've hurt people, I'm truly sorry :s

Screwed up my chem test :( Maybe I just wasn't born a science person. I always work the hardest for my chem tests and I always get the worst score for them too sigh I think I'm hopeless. Oh well at least I know what I'm going to do next time, at least I have a goal and it doesn't involve any chem :) Okay but I shall keep trying and maybe one day I'll finally ace a chem test or something hmm.

Don't know if this is the right thing to do... Is it as real as I think it is? Cuz I've learnt that people aren't as innocent as they seem to be, and there's almost always something hidden underneath. I just want to be happy :(

Okay before I go to bed (to cry about my chem test sobz) I shall put a song here because I'm so addicted to JLS hehe. I think I listen to music because of the song lyrics :) Sweet song lyrics just makes me so happy, they keep my faith in fairytales ♥

Day one, I first laid my eyes on you
Day two, I can't help but think of you
Day three was the same as day two
Day four, I fell in love with you
Day five, you're spinning with me
Sixth day knocked me off my feet
Day seven, that's when I knew
I'd spend the rest of my life with you

Thought I couldn't want you more than I did before
But everyday I love you a little bit more
Find myself asking: "What are you waiting for?"
Cause everyday I love you a little bit more

I’d wait forever and a day for you

2011-08-20T16:50:00.000+08:00

Give me a time machine and bring me back to those childhood days please :( Dislike making decisions dislike being sad dislike being so sensitive and dislike waiting for people especially when I'll never know if they're worth it or not :(

Should I? Should I do what everybody expects me to or should I do what will make me happy? Should I live life the way I want it, or the way other people would want me to? Jumping out of the same old isn't that easy at all. I'm just really scared of what other people would have to say about stuff :@ Sigh

Ran 4.7km today! Fun fun fun fun fun :) Didn't have that I'm-going-to-die feeling at all! Felt very positive and was thinking about how many more rounds I should run teeheehee. After that I left the stadium and walked around the neighbourhood :) Pink flowers, swings, wooden benches, bushes, trees, more bushes, nice people everywhere, field, swimming pool, the track, sports hall, green, green, and more green sobz I'm going to miss this place so much after I move away :(

OH AND GUESS WHO WAS ROCKING WITH THE NEW IPAD.
(yes I dislike iphones but that does not mean that I can't like an ipad)

Ignore my lousy chinese score please (and all the doodles on my paper and the messy table too heh). Hehe I hate zong he tian kong luh wts -.- There's like only 25% chance of getting a damned mcq right! Two choices are bad enough and you still want me to choose between 4 :'(

New song I'm hooked onto: Everybody in Love by JLS! ♫♫
Pretty old song but the lyrics are so sweeeeet :')

Every minute's like an hour
Every hour's like a day
Every day lasts forever
But what else am I gonna do
I'd wait forever and a day for you
I wait up, I wait up
I can't eat, I can't sleep, what else could it be
Missing you so deep
Long as I'm where you're going to
I'd wait forever and a day for you
I'd wait up, wait up for you

We're all right where we should be

2011-08-19T18:49:00.000+08:00

I don't think so :(

Tearing masks apart is way too tiring and a total waste of time, so I shall just stay ignorant to things and people around me for the sake of myself. After all, life is too short to be spent frowning and hating all the time :) *wise look*

The busiest week in this whole term is finally over! ♕ Happy happy happy. Probably screwed up all the three tests but oh well no point crying over spilt milk teehee. I hope I get a decent grade for chem thoughh. It's like I always study so hard for it but my results are always like bleh. Not born a science person :( Anywayss can't wait for week 10 :) Love holidays so much yay

Took the long way home just now and looooook. Pink flowers! So pretty yay I shall go down to take a walk tomorrow :) (especially when chem test is over hallelujah)

HOPE THIS WEEKEND WILL BE AWESOME

Love makes the world go round

2011-08-13T17:28:00.000+08:00

I have a new youtube playlist for all my powerpuff girls videos yayyyy. Blossom blossom all the way

Happy birthday Singapore!

2011-08-09T20:38:00.000+08:00

#whyiloveSingapore: five days without school yay ^^ Although these five days are meant for doing school work hurhur. Had a lot of fun in the past few days and sadly, tomorrow's the last day of the holidays :( Looking forward to school but not looking forward to thursday. Thursdays are boringggggg (and fridays and mondays are awesome!)

Anywayyyyyy

Fantastic four off to blow bubblessssssss!

I am not childish kkk. Blowing bubbles are fun blop blop blop :) Love the sunshine and the green! Too bad we're moving away soon :( I'll miss the neighbourhood so so so so so so much. I'll miss the field and ~~the swimming pool~~ and the tracks soooooooooo much :( :( :(

Okay why is my little brother so cute! I want to be as cute as himmm

Kk I really have to do my work xxx

I meant to say I love you

2011-08-07T22:25:00.001+08:00

Yay polaroids ♥

Sometimes I just wish I had a super power so I could make everything right. Maybe people should really learn how to look at things from a different point of view. Maybe if people understood how others are human beings and have feelings too, this world would be a much better place to live in.

Just like with you. Read my mind will you?

And I'm thinking two is better than one

2011-08-05T19:27:00.000+08:00

Used to find you so innocent, so naive. Guess I was wrong. Have you changed or did you just show your true colours? Can't seem to trust you anymore. Always have to think twice before saying anything, and I hate it. I hate not being able to tell you anything and everything like I used to. You're so pretentious and you think people can't tell, but I can. I don't want to but I can. I know exactly what you're trying to do but I'm keeping quiet and it's killing me inside.

Sigh okay sorry you all had to read that. It's just... People come, people go. You just have to find out why. Anyways pretty satisfied with myself now because I've successfully found some motivations to mug ^^ And we're officially entering the long weekends soooo have fun people! Till then

You're so beautiful

2011-08-04T18:11:00.001+08:00

What I've been up to lately:

Writing cards for all the jh dancers because we've officially moved up to sh :( Sobz sobz sobz somebody fetch me a bucket right now for me to contain all my tearssssss

Lynette says they don't look as pretty in real life. Whatever k I spent a lot of time writing this :( And a lot of love too even though some of the cards have almost the same stuff because I became a little brain dead while writing this hehe.

Oh and I found some cute stuff while looking through all my letters and cards! ♥

Bangle thing that I wore when I was a toddler Ü Omg how small was my wrist to have that thing fitted in! Oh and zoom in on my plaster please cuz someone awesome here drew a clover on it (although litong said it would poison my wound hmm)

And seeing this again made me smile a little teehee. If I don't remember wrongly the guys in our class wrote last minute cards to the girls on valentine's day last year! Teehee I'm the world's smartest person wheeee ☆

This will always be my favourite letter :) Thank you xiancher I will miss you so much!! Mr bean ice cream whenever we're free kkkk ღ

Went to the tracks again last weekend! Such a pity they're removing them sobz sobz sobz. Change is the new constant yes, but I still want to see the train passing by every day when I'm on the way home :( Still remember it sparked so many thoughts and influenced so many of my decisions just because I'm like, look, another train! Life goes on. Sounds exaggerated but it's true kkk

Anywayyyy some of my favourite photos out of the many pretty photos we took ^^ Credits to nicole!

Screwed up two tests this week yay my life is so awesome lalala. Had a really bad Tuesday but somehow I find myself being more optimistic nowadays teehee. That's a good thing right :) Becoming lazy though. No motivation to mug and no time to mug too! Just like how I totally should get off blogger and do my work but I'm still here typing away (and rather happily, too) hmm what is wrong with me.

Ending off with a photo of me acting cute on the roof top yay :)

I'm in love with a fairytale

2011-07-27T17:12:00.000+08:00

Someday I'm going to live in a cottage among the woods! I'm going to have breakfast with squirrels and morning walks with a cute puppy and lunch with an old friend and do handicraft for the whole afternoon or perhaps read a book with a heavenly smell on the porch and have afternoon tea in the garden where butterflies fly every where (except into my food) and dinner in front of the fireplace and feel warm and relaxed and happy and blissful :)

Just a dreamy thought before I take a nap. Hopefully I dream of something similar hehe goodnight ♥

Or will we end up getting hurt

2011-07-23T16:41:00.000+08:00

"And now there are two doors in front of me, but I have absolutely no idea which to open. I've walked through one and seen amazing wonders, but it was so perfectly structured - all the lines and boxes - it bored me. It made me frustrated and unhappy, and I had to walk out again. There was a tinge of regret in me when I walked out, and it soon became so large, it engulfed me. Now I'm looking at the other door, hesitating and deliberating. I've taken a peek and it was amazing, but I'm not sure if it'll end up all the same - it's always been that way, anyway."

I just want to be happy :(

Need to run need to run need to run. Need to get those frustrations and confusions outta my poor little head. Need to lose some weight and see a nice number on my weighing scale. Need to stop procrastinating and mug harder if I want my ideal gpa. Need to stop waiting. Need to get my sanity back. Need to stop caring so freaking much and hurting myself, too.

I don't want to play mind games anymore. They're energy-draining, not that I have much of any energy after all these weeks of school. Feeling so shagged every single day and yet I can't seem to sleep in class lol #nerdified :s

Starting to miss so many things and starting to regret so many decisions. All the decisions I've made are pretty much equivalent to suicide lol.

For all the times you stood by me

2011-07-21T20:59:00.000+08:00

This picture is so pretty! I thought we looked like a band hehehehe but I think nobody else had the same awesome sentiments :(

Last JH prac today omg omg omg omg omg. Was hugging lots of people at the end of the practice! I'm a happy girl cuz I hugged more than 4 different people today :) Did math homework in ds3 and it was like the perfect place to do homework because the environment was just so (Y) even though I only did 3 questions in about 2 hours oops.

I'll always remember all that we've been through together :(

And when it gets too unbearable and starts to make you upset, shut it out. Shut it out and look for an alternative that will bring a smile to your face. That's how I got through all these years, no?

And we'll be a dream

2011-07-17T10:07:00.000+08:00

Meet my diamond ring ^^

I love handicrafts! When I earn enough money to buy my own house, I'm going to have a room dedicated to all my handicrafts and rubbish whee :D

So if the chain is on your door, I understand

2011-07-13T22:33:00.000+08:00

Got back my results slip for last semester's tests this morning. Pretty happy with my results! Better than expected and SO MUCH BETTER than sem one last year. Well there is this personal aim that I haven't reached though... Gonna work on my other math and chem! Btw just wanna say that I think it is okay for people with good results to "whine" a little (as long as it is not excessively) cuz everybody have their own expectations and it is inevitable to feel disappointed if these targets are not met.

It feels so good to have a motivation behind things that you do, like you actually want it more than usual! And it feels so good to accomplish stuff :) I love striking off bullet-points on my notebook hehehehehe.

Just last week I was so stressed out with all the "judgement" I felt I was getting. Like every single move that I make invites criticism or something. Made me so unhappy and stuff and it even made me dread school a little. But then I thought things over and read all my "note-to-self's" again (which Lynette read through on my phone and laughed at) and realised that nothing beats being yourself, being confident and bringing a smile to your own face :) Love this one from my "READ" list in my lappie:

20. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

I've always believed that nothing is impossible, but there are things that you just can't want to fix. To you: I am so sorry but I guess this is for the best and I hope you'll be better off without me... I wish I had a chance to explain things. To explain how I felt and stuff like that. I'm so sorry :(

Sigh okay I shall go do some work now.

For the miles they go down

2011-07-09T14:05:00.000+08:00

I just read an article (or a blog post) on the abandoned railway tracks SLA will be removing soon and gosh it makes me want to go walk on the train tracks so much :( I was told that it's not nice to walk on the tracks at all but the photos are soooo pretty, I just want to see them for myself!

Went through all the pictures of all the views you could get while trekking along the tracks and I realised that those are all the stuff I see on my way home from school lol. I used to sit in those window seats and watch the train pass by and now I wouldn't be able to see them anymoreeee. I'm not a fan of trains, but looking at them makes me feel so happy :)

Strange how looking at different views trigger different thoughts in my mind, and yes I'm pretty emotional sometimes. Especially when I'm on the bus, all the emotions and thoughts just cave in and kill me lol

Oh and funny how this bus totally looks like a 961.

All pictures from thelongnwindingroad

You weren't there, you let me fall

2011-07-06T18:52:00.000+08:00

Finally got a small notebook to write nonsense in after I abandoned my last one cuz it was too filled with, oh well, nonsense.

School is so fun, it makes me sleepy.

This could all disappear

2011-07-04T22:31:00.000+08:00

@ Forbidden City

@ a migrant school

I drew this hohoho. One side's a male and the other's a female!

Random stuff Yixin and I drew :)

@ Lenovo HQ (with Olympics torch!)

@ Beijing National Stadium

Walking on the dragon line!

Spamming food in the hotel room!

@ Great Wall!

@ Airport with tour guide

Photos credits: Nicole, Litong, Lynette

Kinda dreaded this trip before I actually went to Beijing. I was so horrified when they said we had to wear jeans in that horrible torching weather! Well it turned out to be okay, and I truly think that Singapore's weather is worse than Beijing's. At least Beijing wasn't so humid! Plus at Beijing there was no need to worry about datelines and school work and that stupid Crucible test which I'm totally unprepared for :(

It was so much fun having cup noodles in the middle of the night and watching Down With Love/HBO every single night in the hotel room and shuffling and kicking that feathers thingum in Lynette's room and appearing in photos and almost-losing my key to the luggage and stuffing my face with pocky and eating chips with my tongue and shopping and sleeping on the bus and carrying a panda around on my bag and missing people and doing ~~failed~~ jump shots and climbing the Great Wall with Litong and Rachel and taking ~~fake~~ candid shots and greeting koreans at the Great Wall in korean and enjoying that moment when a staff in this shop thought Adrienne was a malay.

That was a funny one heh.

Anywayzzz now I'm back in Singapore and school is starting (and I'm dreading it). And I still have to read The Crucible unless I want to flunk this test sobz. Plus my dad finally bought a weighing machine after the last one died ages ago AND I gained weight so I'm under a lot of pressure now :( Especially when I really doubt that I grew any taller zz.

Before I end off this post,

RAWR SCHOOL IS STARTING

Today I don't feel like doing anything

2011-07-02T22:10:00.001+08:00

Will post something about my Beijing trip when the people finally decide to upload the photos. Didn't bring my camera along cuz I was scared that I'd lose it/robbed :x It is highly possible k!

First thing I did after coming back to Singapore: ~~shop~~ allow my money to grow wings and fly away from me :(

Okay maybe not the first thing I did, but roughly the first thing. Yesterday night I thought for a really long time and came to a conclusion that life was too short to be wasted on ruined relationships, so I decided to fix things. I am soooo mature! ijusthopeidontregretthis
My heart needs to stop skipping beats.
And I really really need to stop spending so much money without a single tinge of guilt!

#100factsaboutme in (approx) 100 days

2011-06-26T22:46:00.001+08:00

1. I do crazy but fun stuff with @xxxxnicoleee all the time like... doing this 100 facts thing!
2. I am not a punctual kid.
3. I like math esp algebra hehehe :)
4. I check my horoscope almost everyday.
5. I am naturally attracted to guys with nice hair
6. I LOVE SHOWLUO
7. I like people with initiative
8. I want to marry a smart guy :))
9. I am a Scorpio and my bestfriend Adrienne is a Scorpio too :):)
10. I've met a perfect guy before
11. I have an evil mind.
12. I am a proud owner of a htc phone
13. I have a supernatural ability to become happy just by blinking my eyes
14. I love long-distance bus rides (i.e. SLEEP TIME)
15. I don't believe that "screw you" is vulgar in any way
16. Sometimes I don't really get straight to the point and that's when I wish the other person would read my mind and get me
17. Seven is my favourite number
18. I love shopping for stationeries!
19. You know I'm having a silent conversation with myself when you see me making faces at nobody
20. I smell my shirt when I wake up every morning
21. I want to be able to predict things all the time
22. I am a huge fan of Mr Bean the soya bean store
23. I don't go back to sleep after I shut my alarm in the morning.
24. I hate smokers
25. I don't really believe that cold stuff (e.g. ice cream) makes you fat
26. I blame my awful personality on my horoscope sign all the time
27. Don't trust me when I tell you I love you, but don't trust me when I tell you I don't love you either
28. I bite myself sometimes just to feel something
29. I eat a lot (when I have the financial ability to)
30. I have a bad memory
31. I doodle on my school skirt when I'm bored
32. Nowadays I often hear two voices debating with each other in my mind
33. I only drink HL milk and no other brands
34. I joined chinese dance in p2 because my grandma made me. She didn't want me to join choir or something
35. I believe in fate and destiny
36. I've met tons and tons of flirts
37. I detest people who give up on themselves
38. I am addicted to using post-it notes
39. I use "cuz" in short for "because"
40. I'm vulnerable to people's niceness unless I know they're just pretending to be nice
41. I feel the happiest when people tell me they love/need me
42. Favourite flavours: Milo and oreo! I don't really like cookies and cream though
43. All time favourite piano piece: River Flows In You
44. Something I love about myself: my sarcasm
45. I forget birthdays a lot!
46. I think that good morning texts are sweet!
47. I think the word 'pretty' is pretty
48. My full name is Te(Ting) Sze Ying but you don't pronounce the Te
49. I have a vision for Singapore - to paint all the roofs so it'll show a 'S' when you look down from above
50. I tell white lies
51. I abide by "nothing is impossible" most of the time
52. I love chewy pearls
53. Sometimes I think I was born to be me because I'm strong enough, stronger than others and can endure all these shit
54. I do idolise people around me and there's this person who really inspire me!
55. I'd be very happy to wake up to 77 new texts
56. I don't like big crowds or long queues
57. I love reading
58. I can cheat my way out of things with my mum by appealing to her emotions
59. I still play neopets and club penguin
60. I eat more junk food than usual when I'm sick
61. I don't appreciate "friends" who only find you when they have nobody else to go to
62. Sometimes I just wish my mum would give a damn about my results and scold me/praise me when I don't/do well
63. I don't understand my heart but maybe there never was anything to understand
64. Nice surprises make me happy
65. When I'm bored, I rate five stars for all the songs on my playlist
66. I build walls around me
67. I'm going to save the Earth
68. I like to sleep because time passes more quickly when I sleep
69. I twiddle my thumbs while waiting for a text/thinking of what to text
70. Marshmallows only appeal to me when roasted.
71. My motto in life: always be cool
72. I won't usually be angry for too long
73. My emotions change pretty fast
74. Advice that works best for me: "be confident; be yourself"
75. My dream job is to be an environmental lawyer
76. I am pretty much always sarcastic
77. Sometimes I wish I had my "strongness" contained in a jar so I could pass them to people when they needed it
78. My alternative career choice is to go into business and finance
79. I hate people who treat you like shit when you actually bother to struggle to put up with all their nonsense
80. I like dancing and how it makes me feel
81. I don't usually regret the decisions that I make
82. I'm not quite sociable
83. Favourite game on my phone: pig rush!
84. I think Changi Airport is the coolest place ever
85. I hold my breath when I'm really happy
86. I'm always saying the opposite of what I actually mean
87. I can't seem to hear the music blasting in my ears when I get too absorbed in my thoughts
88. Daydreaming is my favourite hobby
89. I don't show it but I like sweet words; they make me happy
90. I have acrophobia
91. The space bar is my favourite key on the keyboard, followed by 'enter'
92. I'm a little mental when I'm really upset
93. I write letters to myself
94. I do stupid things when I'm upset but I don't regret doing them
95. Absence makes my heart forgetful
96. I love chocolates especially those with crunchy bits in it!
97. I love Taiwanese dramas!
98. I love cycling!
99. I follow the lick and dip thingy when I eat my oreos
100. I think a lot, perhaps way too much

BYE PEOPLE, I'M OFF TO BEIJING FOR THE NEXT 5 DAYS :)

That I'm something you'll be missing

2011-06-20T16:40:00.000+08:00

Checked in @ Crockfords Tower on Saturday afternoon for my little brother's birthday. Lucky fella gets to go to Sentosa for his birthday celebrations two years in a row! I don't really mind though. I loved the bathtub and the sauna in the hotel room. Had my first sauna with my sister and we did really crazy stuff in those horrible 30 minutes like body isolations/waves and dancing and shuffling and singing at the top of our voices hehe. Felt really really faint after the sauna though. Mummy said we shouldn't have stayed inside for such a long period of time since it was our first time cuz it was rather dangerous~

Oh well.

Got to go to USS for a second time and this time I didn't pay out of my own pocket (hehe) but it wasn't that fun because nobody could go on roller coasters with me except my sister and eventually my brother when my sis insisted on taking the mummy roller coaster a second time. And when we were there this guy came up to us and told us "this place is cursed. The mummy has awakened. Don't go into that tomb" and my brother was like okay sure!

On a side note I HATE ~~ROLLER COASTERS~~ ANYTHING THAT HAS A HEIGHT ELEMENT TO IT :(

Took some rides that I didn't take the other time I was there with Rachel, Lynette and Grace. And we did discover some streets that I've never seen!

Anddddddd it was father's day, so this staff member came up to us and gave us one badge each to "give them to your father" and I was like but we have the same father...

So now I'm back with screwed nails and an unwell throat and I've started to drink water willingly even though it's the holidays. I NEVER DRINK WATER DURING THE HOLIDAYS. Might be that I'm growing old or something, but I find water yummy nowadays.

And I've been wondering how come I don't have dimples even though sister and brother both have them. Dimples are soooooooo cute and pretty :(

Anyways. I'm going for volunteering work @ Sundown Ultramarathon this weekend and I'm so excited even though it would mean sleep deprivation just before I leave for horribly hot Beijing next week. Oh but I thought the sauna (approx. 40 degree celcius for 30 minutes straight) was a good preparation for the bad weather I'm going to encounter B) But right now I can only think of shopping and more shopping this week :) I think I'm becoming a shopaholic.

Before I sign off,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUIXIN :)

Kept it all in and hurt myself

2011-06-17T21:29:00.001+08:00

(credits to nicole)

(credits to nicole)

Pretty much sums up my week. I haven't finished any homework omg kill me. Have been going out almost every single day and yesssss I'm screwed up so will somebody shower me with the motivation I had before school ended :( BUT I'm not that lazy okay. I've done two sets of math and I'm still loving math + I remember all my formulas so yep :) Amazing meeeee -beams-

I want a webcam tooooooo.

Sometimes I wonder how you're doing. Wonder what would have happened if it never ended. Wonder why I chose to do that. And sometimes... I kinda miss you. But I'm feeling happier now and I guess it was the right thing to do.

SO FAR THIS WEEK HAS BEEN THE BEST WEEK IN THE ENTIRE HOLIDAYS AND IT HASN'T EVEN ENDED. Going to IR to celebrate my brother's birthday (again) this weekend and we're heading to USS on Sunday! :)

CAN'T. WAIT.

I just wanna be alone tonight (and that's a lie)

2011-06-12T20:15:00.000+08:00

Went for sushi buffet today @ Sakae with Nicole! Had so many plates of tuna sushi I can die just counting the calories... Except I don't really care about calories hehe. Anyways it was pretty fun grabbing plate after plate anddddd the two of us ate 26 plates of sushi! And ice cream of course. Yumzzzz I love food :)

I sorta witnessed a death today. Apparently the taxi/van we (my family and I, after I met up with the rest at the airport to fetch my dad) took from the airport was passing by on this road and suddenly somebody in the car was like "there's been an accident!" And according to human reflexes I turned my head to look outside and saw this body which at one glimpse looked rather twisted. In weird angles. If you get what I mean. My dad saw the motorcyclist's helmet rolling on the road in front of the car anddddd yeah. An accident happened right there and then and a life was/might have been taken and now I just feel... relieved. Relieved that I'm still alive, and I'm still young; and I can still do everything in the world that I want to. And I still have the chance to make things right.

I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person I'm a horrible person

So I've been weighing pros and cons and weighing pros and cons and weighing pros and cons and I know I've repeated that thrice and that's exactly what I've been doing. Okay not really. Restarttt. I've been thinking a lot and not thinking about things but thinking around things. Not thinking about solutions but thinking about avoiding. Not thinking about you but thinking about me. And it's time I thought about you so... I'm sorry. I know I'm horrible but I guess it's the best for everybody and I just don't want to put off this decision anymore. I hope you do understand and know that it was hard for me too. Cuz maybe it's time to stop lying to ourselves that this will work out because it will not and it's just making me tired and sick of myself. It's ripping off all my self-esteem and killing me every single day. I need to drop this pretense that everything will be okay... Yes I'm selfish. I'll admit that. I'm sorry.

Went to see Stella off in the morning. Why's everybody leaving? :(

Today I witnessed a heartwarming scene and it keeps replaying in my head like a radio stuck on replay. It just makes me wonder who truly loves me and who truly cares. I. Am. So. ~~Jealous~~.

I guess life will never run out of goodbyes.

Maybe it's our first mistake; and baby that's alright.

2011-06-10T14:46:00.000+08:00

What I've been up to this week.

Camwhoring in the dance studio! (credits to Alissa)

Over at Brennan's house for the first hrc outing! (credits to Bern)

Had a pretty hectic week this week. A lack of sleep makes a grumpy me :( But I'm becoming happier nowadays and that's something good I guess. Learnt to look at things from a different perspective or not think about them at all. Well I guess putting tasks off isn't the best choice, but for now I just want to relax and push aside all those troubles that are making me feel like shit. Yeah sure I'm a horrible person, but there are reasons why I do things and... yeah. Rachel told me that if I think I'm horrible, then I'm not that horrible after all :) I'mma go with that and feel good about myself teehee.

Before I sign off,

YAY SZEYING AND JULIANA (ANS) IN RI BLAZERS. HAHA.

All the matter in the world is how much I like you

2011-06-06T18:45:00.000+08:00

But he was looking at her, yeah all funny in the eye
She said "come on boy tell me what you're thinking
Now don't be shy."
He said alright, "I'll try

All the stars up in the sky
And the leaves in the trees
All the broken bits that make you jump up
And grassy bits in between
All the matter in the world is how much I like you."

Nothing's gonna get in the way

2011-06-04T20:08:00.000+08:00

Credits to Eddy! :)

Rmun is over! Time flies. It seems like yesterday when I was worrying about not having anything to say or stuttering or talking about nothing but nonsense in the conference. And now it's over (and I only spoke three times) and we didn't touch the secondary issue at all which I'm still not very happy about. Bleh. Nonetheless it was a really enjoyable experience heh.

Today was pretty enjoyable too. I like being a station master! The juice that we made from the combination of carrots, celery and LOTS of bitter gourd was so disgustingly awesome (Y) Never got to try it though. I should have, but gosh I really hate celery and just the stink of it makes me wanna puke.

im building this wall so you wont know how happy i actually am

Don't you love in vain cuz love won't set you free

2011-05-29T22:19:00.004+08:00

Hmm Rachel said my blog's super emo so I'm here to make it happier!

I'M HAPPY TODAY & IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

I hope you realised that was so me. -victory smile- Hehehehehe. It doesn't even feel like the holidays has started but it has. Painted my nails today only to realise that I have to rub in off before Wednesday for RMUN. That, dance camp and shopping on Sunday's lined up for the week after the NUS trip tomorrow... Woah the holidays has totally started. Time to get busy! And bored when you have nothing to do :(

Going to prepare my calendar for the holidays now. I have a thing about forgetting which day it is when I don't see it on the whiteboard everyday.

I might tear you apart

2011-05-27T18:51:00.000+08:00

I guess I can't tell that fine line between right and wrong anymore. Recently this fear of growing up has grown in me - the fear that there'd be no one to guide me, to tell me what to do and what not to as I grow older. The fear of being alone when making decisions and all. I hate making decisions and I'm not exactly good at it... I think. It's almost as if you become more lonely as you grow older. Or maybe I'm just building extra walls because of what happened and what had hurt me.

I should learn how to flip a coin.
I've been feeling like a jerk, but you could see it as retribution. For hurting so many, you get hurt too. Isn't it only fair?

When a tornado meets a volcano

2011-05-26T21:33:00.000+08:00

I guess I should never trust anybody's "confessions" too easily. Just a while ago I thought you were that vulnerable and thoughtful and concerned and nice and everything and now you're crushing up all that credit you've earned. What was the purpose of putting down all those sweet words? To gain sympathy? Yeah you got it, but now it's gone because you've revealed your true self yet again. I should have known. What was I thinking lol.

Feeling so depressed and bored and aimless after the tests/aristal. I really really need to be kept occupied so time will pass quickly and I won't be so bored that I become depressed. Life sucks sometimes.

You're so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal

2011-05-23T20:33:00.000+08:00

ONE MORE WEEK.

I can't wait for the holidays to come! I wish it was already holidays like right now. Or rather I wish it was already June right now, so I can get my pocket money :) Hoping and praying very hard that my results will be satisfactory enough to get me some extra pocket money, but I doubt so. Yeah yeah I'm never good enough, whatever. I know it's true that I didn't do that well but I did score in various subjs... So some praises please? I work well with nice words even more than material rewards!

There was something about it that made me jump. That made me shudder. That made me happy. Even till now.

I would if you tell me to stay

2011-05-22T15:14:00.001+08:00

Strangely addicted to neopets. 100facts will be ending soon - that means the Beijing trip is nearing as days pass. Pretty excited except it's going to be sooooo warm and they're making us wear jeans! :( Well. June holidays will be here in a week's time and it's going to fantabulous. Already thought of some things that I'm going to do hehehe but first I will finish my math homework which should be pretty much fun too :)

... Do grades really matter? Had this empty feeling when I was getting back my scripts. Like woah I scored well. Okay... so? Woah I screwed up. And so? After so many weeks of screwing up myself while revising, the results are finally back but the happiness is only this short. It doesn't even last a day. So do grades really matter?

Always gonna be an uphill battle, sometimes you gonna have to lose

2011-05-20T19:47:00.003+08:00

Aristal 2011 was awesome! Had so much fun rehearsing/camwhoring/putting on make-up/stretching/just hanging around doing silly stuff like lying down on the floor and singing random songs with Yiwen. I was kinda sick on the actual day though. Glad I managed to pull through and returned home with a fever hahaha. And I eventually missed school on the next day because I was sick hehehehe Wanyee says I'm allergic to aristal! Anyways. Going to miss dancing with the jh dancers soooooo much :(

Disclaimer: don't read the following if you're sensitive to reading paragraphs addressed to nobody in particular or if you are going to struggle with the question of whether I'm talking about you.

I guess I can be a little cruel. I guess I have the right to. But do I really want to do that? I'm struggling every second with the fact that I wouldn't like it if it happened to me, but what about me? Who ever thought about how I feel? I just feel so... betrayed. Like you don't really care. Like this was a mistake from the very beginning and I shouldn't have done what I thought was right then and I should go back in time and kick myself for being so stupid. Like I should stop. I should really really stop.

I hate you because you're a liar.

And I hate you because you wouldn't care less about how I felt. If you haven't realised, all you've been doing is blame others for what you could have done but did not do to contribute to the situation. All you've been doing is to make others the bad guys because you want to appear oh-so-innocent but I know you're really not. All you've been doing - ditching xx because oh, xx's so mean to me and I'm just being fair to myself when xx really have reasons for doing things. You should really take some time to understand... And stop whining.

Oh yes. Got back our results anddddd I didn't do as well as expected, but from a positive point of view that leaves me a higher chance of improving my grades the next time! Really happy with my math/econs/geog grades yeah :)

Heartbreaker

2011-05-17T21:57:00.001+08:00

Went shopping with Nicole today! Really really really regret not getting that final f21 top but oh well. Shouldn't have drank each a cup even though the chocolate ice blended is to die for... Falling sick :( I hope I can pull through tomorrow and I really really want aristal to be awesome. Last performance with the jh group before moving on to sh :( Goodbyes are the hardest to say.

So baby just say goodnight

2011-05-14T18:51:00.000+08:00

EXAMS ARE OVER.

A little late but yeah. I don't feel at all relaxed though :( This has been the busiest week since ages ago, but it was quite fun too :) Finale practices are mad loveeee ♥ Aristal's gonna be awesome! I can't wait.

I don't know why you're letting yourself become like that. I miss the old you. I can see where this is going, and you will grow to regret it should anything happen. You might be having the time of your life, but how long will this last? Don't blindly do what people want you to. Have your own say and treasure yourself a little bit more at times. You deserve that very respect and nobody has the right to manipulate you like that.

No regrets, just love

2011-05-08T16:56:00.000+08:00

Screwed it up because I was so distracted by the ge results last night... But at least I managed to not screw up the chinese characters :)

Happy mummy's day!! I love you mummy <3

So tell me the words worth saying

2011-05-06T19:14:00.003+08:00

10 down, 3 more to go!

It feels like the assessment week is over though. Another long weekend yet I can't fully enjoy myself knowing that there's still physics :( I ranked my tests in terms of how much I screwed up haha. Top on the chart: chemistry! I think this week was okay, pretty good time management and near perfect concentration (I still zone out when I see long questions haha), but I don't know why I always fail to finish my chem paper :( Don't think I've ever had time to finish one! Oh but it was easier than expected because mr johll lied that it'd be really hard so I guess it's not that bad after all.

Andddd. I don't like to make decisions.

Oh yes. Szeying started tearing halfway through the chem paper because I was so touched that I got the answer hehehehehe

I can do this without you

2011-04-30T12:44:00.000+08:00

A classic example of how the strong ones transform difficulties into motivation. You know what? I came so far without your help. In primary one you didn't teach me how to do my homework, instead you bought me a dictionary and told me it would tell me all the answers to my math sums. From then on I never expected anything from you. I grew up being so independent; I never went through a single night with an adult patiently coaching me, teaching me how to do my homework. I didn't even dare to approach you for anything. Yeah, perhaps during those days, times were hard and you needed to work. I never beared a grudge. But the least that you can do now, what can't you do it? Must you be that calculative, be that unreasonable and be that selfish? I don't know what is going through that mind of yours but I'm telling you, that I came so far all by myself. And I can go further alone. I will prove it to you, prove you wrong, and tell the whole world that: no, you didn't help me, but I'm glad. I am strong like that and you don't matter to me anymore.

Where's the fun in leading me on and letting me fall?

2011-04-27T21:54:00.002+08:00

Tell me I can do art! :) Haha fact about Szeying: she doodles like anyone else would when she's bored, except on weird places such as her school skirt. And whoever's skirt that is available for her to doodle on. But nowwww she doesn't have to worry about marker ink staining other clothes in the washload anymore because she has picked up a foolscap pad! Haha okay not that true because I always doodle on foolscap pads. Wellllll master piece :)

I really should be studying right now.

I once met a liar who promised me the whole world

2011-04-25T22:02:00.002+08:00

Moral of the story: Don't make someone your everything, because when you lose that person you have nothing left.

Seriously stop being so nice to me.

Tomorrow will be the start of the three presentations in three consecutive days horror. Hope I ~~survive~~ do really really well :) And tomorrow's supposed to be half-day, but apparently we're staying back for two presentations which will result in us ending school at the usual dismissal time. How ironic.

It's like my birthday every time you look at me

2011-04-23T22:06:00.000+08:00

The more I tell myself not to do something, the more I'm tempted to do it. The rebellious self in me is opposing all the advices my mature self is giving me. Everyday, I have a debate with myself. Most of the time my mugger self's telling my lazy self to stop procrastinating, so that's okay, but sometimes it's something else. The devil wins the angel in this something else and I do something which I totally regret later. Then I forget about how I regretted and do that something again which screws me up even more. Okay this is getting confusing but yeah, now I truly understand how life isn't a bed of roses and I don't always get what I want. 1111s don't always come true and people aren't always the innocent darlings you think they are.

I learnt a new word. It's spelt like that: b-e-w-a-r-e.

But you know what? We only get to live life once. Ten years down the road, I'm gonna regret what I didn't do, not what I did. Why should we follow rules all the time? Why should we think so carefully about what we do all the time? Sometimes, we just gotta be rash and do what we want so we won't regret.

Even though I love you

2011-04-20T22:15:00.000+08:00

I wonder where the ink goes to when my skirt goes into the washing machine to be spun round and round and round and round and round.

I'm crazy.

I'm stressed :( So stressed. I missed that Szeying who once proudly said: "I guess I never really felt stress. Even when it was PSLE year, I didn't freak out and I watched teevee the night before the exams." I miss that carefree Szeying who did her homework at the very last minute because she could finish them at the very last minute. Okay I miss that light workload! Who the hell rushes three projects all at one time 2 weeks before mye?! Killer workload every single day + struggling with revision = dying Szeying.